This past week I was confronted with all sorts of feelings of doubt, fear, inadequacy, etc. What made it worse was that my perfectionism kicked in and I started bashing myself for not having control over my negative thoughts. So essentially I was practicing perfectionism about my spiritual practice. If anything is a FUCK NO, well this is the ultimate in FUCK NO!
One of the main lessons of most spiritual practices, is to go with the flow, try not to control, surrender to what is. Not only was I experiencing negative thoughts and emotions but worse, I was beating myself up for not being able to master them and dispel them creating more control and contraction.
By the time Friday rolled around I was fucking exhausted. Physically, mentally and really just tired of analyzing over and over again the same thoughts and emotions. As has happened many times before, I hit my breaking point and then BOOM- SURRENDER started to happen (which is what I wanted all along! DAG).
Maybe I am some sort of a masochist that has to push myself to physical and mental exhaustion to finally surrender but man would it have been easier to surrender to the feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy and fear right from the beginning. What you resist, persists and while I know this on a logical level, I clearly wasn’t able to put this into practice this time around.
When I woke up on Saturday morning I was tired, but more centered and relaxed. A shift had finally occurred. Typically our weekends are pretty busy filled with a list of things we need to get done for the new house but I said to myself fuck it, today you do whatever you feel like doing. No I have to’s, no I should’s and most importantly- no feeling guilty about just chilling (because that usually happens too 🙂 Surprisingly, I succeeded in having the perfect day of self care– reading, writing, texting with friends, talking on the phone, treating myself to lunch and sitting outside in the sun with my dog enjoying the Spring weather.
I share this because as wellness and spirituality become all the rage, it can also feel like this long list of I should be doing, I should be eating this, I should be practicing this and the list goes on and on until you actually become stressed by your spiritual and wellness practices, which in essence is the exact opposite of what we should be experiencing. So go easy on yourself, do what feels right and any time you can SURRENDER to whatever feelings are arising, as soon as you do, they will slowly begin to disappear.